August 2021.

My mom passed away 20 months ago. I still live in the house , not knowing what the future brings.  Financially we are not so great. Corona and my mom's death turned the tables. One of my sisters doens't talk to me. My health is not something to write home about. My girl is 10 thank God . I pray she'll live long life of meaning and suttisfaction ,and will not be alone , and will have a family.  I am almost 51,but I feel 80. I feel it's time for me to go home, soon  but I need to make sure that my girl will not be alone. 

Israeli Media

The vision of the late Herzel was that the people of Israel will be a nation like all nations. Herzel was a brilliant dreamer, a great philosopher and maybe the most daring entrepreneur with his crazy idea of a Jewish state , but boy , He got that one wrong. We were never a nation like all nations , the state of Israel, being the vessel that holds this nation will also never be another Sweden or Romania . Is there such a thing as a nation like all nations? Is Panama a lot like Denmark ?

The fact is that we are sorounded by countries that wish to eradicate this state. People who look at this with ease and say that I am a paranoid usually have a foreign passport , and usually they are not familiar with the mentality here in the Middle East. We have a peace treaty with Egypt for example ,and I know that the only thing that prevents Egypt from attacking Israel , is the understaning that they will lose. Again. Don't look for sentimental hopes for a better future. It's not the language these countries speak.

Israel being a democracy funded ,and when I say funded , I mean , gave money to all sorts of artists ,and this includes for example an Arab theatre that puts up shows and plays that encourage people to do whatever they can to destroy this state and kill its citizens . It is also known that if you wanted to succeed in show biz , you'd have to present left wing opinions. A movie about the so called occupations and the life of the poor Arabs would get funds. If you wanted to make a movie about let's say settlers , that actually shows them as good human beings , you'd be in a problem. The national song-writer Naomi Shemmer as well as  the comedian Ephriam Kishon  are not alive anymore to tell , how frustrating it was for an artist with right wing views , to live in this country. Ephraim Kishon  moved to Switzerland partly for being so much ignored here.

But tables turn.

There came the ministress of Culture  Miri Regev , and decided that any art work that comes against the mere existance of the state of Israrl will not be funded.  That is to say , people in this country are very much welcome to mock the flag of Israel , to critisize its very existance , but they will not get money from the government . The uproar wasn't so grand ,because even left wing policymakers realize that this country cannot afford encouregement of Palestinian terror as part of its art with all due respect to the freedom of speach. It's called "The loyalty Bill" ,as if someone asked artists to be loyal . I wonder who made this name up .

This is from the Jerusalem Post :

"The bill seeks to cut state funding to cultural works or institutions that, among other things, harm or disrespect the symbols of the State of Israel; refer to Independence Day as a day of mourning; or incite to violence or terrorism. The legislation, which gained the backing of Finance Minister Moshe Kahlon last month, will now move to the Knesset for debate and further voting."

So what's the problem?

There is no problem really , only Israeli media makes a lot of noise ,about how Israel is no longer democratic ,and how just like in dark regims , people are being hushed . An Arab saying goes : The camel cannot see his own hump. I see Israeli media as  the camel , that for years hushed or ignored any piece of news that was not correlating to its agenda . Sometimes I felt , as a media consumer , that journalists didn't even notice how biased their quesitons were. I have never heard any journalist asking a certain  Arab leader about his denail of the holocaust , never heard journalists ask , why is it that Arabs have so many rights in this country , but so little obligations , why is it that Arab Knesset members are actually working against the interests of this country. Israeli media was busy defending the Oslo greements ,and even more busy defending Mr Sharron during the "disengagement" . Israeli Journalist didn't even seem to realise how settlers are always presented as evil , while Palestinians as poor ,and at a certain point Israelis simply started to ignore the media ,and it has lost its most important asset -its crediblity.

So as Israeli radio and newspaper men rushed to the aid of extreme left-wing , Deputy Attorney-General Ms Dina Zilber , who stated her opinion on the Bill of Loyalty , I just thought , oh,please...

Women , clay and the Potter's wheel

Life should be taken with a grain of humor , but I'm afraid Roger did not find my courting him humerous. Oh well ...So I started taking a class in pottery . It's something I could have not done before , since the rules of the house were, that you don't leave it after dark, but something has lusened up , and my child is older now , and so I'v signed into the pottery class.

If you want to make a vessel out of a chank of clay , you must kneed it first ,and then thrush it to the wheel as it spins , so the chunk will be steady. As the wheel turns around , you must embrase it ,hug it ,and at the same time thrush it again to the floor of the wheel. A chunk of clay  on a spinning potter's wheel , is a lot like some women. They swirl and lose their center ,but if you thrust them gently to the wheel as it spinns , hug them ,and then embrace them , point the way up - good chances are , you will get a nice  dish , that can hold things in it , after proper burning of course.

Benjamin

In the summer I turned 17, I flew for the first time in my life. To America. You might think a seventeen years old girl would be enthusiastic about flying for the first time ,and to another continent, but this wasn't the case. I flew to visit and help my sister , and help her take care of her two little sons ,as the third one was on the way. Her second boy was Benjamin , or Benny.
I hope he doesn't mind my writing his name over this blog . Benny was a beautiful boy, big blue eyes , curly golden hair ,and a few freckles to match , but what was captivating about him , was his charecter. I have never seen a two years old with such a great sense of humor ,and such high emotional intelligence. You see, his older brother , 3 years old was not a regular boy. At three he wrote and read English and Hebrew ,drew amazing pictures that would have been more suitable for 6 graders ,and acted very very strange , speaking to himself. Later on he was diagnosed as Asperger. Benny is the second one ,and had to manoover between his restless brother ,and somewhat embroiled family.
Was he five or six when they returned back  to Israel?
It is very late, so I'll be short although there is much to tell. Benjamin is now 32 and he is in critical condition  in intensive care , in the hospital ,  fighting for his life.He had an operation , but things went bad .

He is a devoted husband ,and a loving dad. A self made young man overcoming so many challenges  to become a successful hi-tech person - but words are so little. "Hi tech person"  sounds so cold and detached from what Benjamin is. He still has this amazing emotional intelligence ,and simple kindness that so few poeple have . He is the sun and the ocean to me . I have been crying on and off during this past week .Cannot find rest , I wonder if my silly prayers matter . Do they matter ? If you read this ,please say a preayer for him.

One must not count on miracles , but sometimes you cannot help but hope for them.
Thank you for reading .

Roger

Roger is looking at me through his thin blue eyes ,and he seems to be saying "I wish you would go already , I can't bear the site of you." If he had not considered himself a gentleman , he would have litteraly kicked me out. I can see him in my mind's eye shouting and waving his foot at me,and me running for my life.  I am sitting in his little house , sipping tea. My heart is pounding. I can't blame him.
A few weeks before he was pretty eager to make love to me , or have sex with me or anyway you call it .
A few weeks even backwards I was the usual me - that it to say , I used this dating site to entertain myself. After all hope for ever having a family was lost, I simply wrote to men wherever they were - from Lybia, China , Norway, India , England , and chitchatted with them. All chats purely innocent - Wev'e talked  about the weather , vegetable growing, their life during the holidays, the hardships of teaching. Sometimes I got profane messages ,and than I had to lose contact. If they started talking about sex or their private organs , I stopped and  blocked them. The guy from Lybia had terrible English , so conversation died pretty soon. A guy from Sweden wrote to me very gracefully  for two months. Nothing dirty, only prase and encouragement.  I actually started thinking about going there one day ,and meeting him ,  and then , a few weeks after very much thrilled and happy ,  I gave him my phone number and e-mail , I got an angry whatsapp from his wife. I apologized of course ,and explained I hadn't known he was a married man,and I blocked him in my whatsapp. After that I didn't enter this site for...three months? But loneliness,and other reasons  brought me back again . This site was my escape ,and this is how I met Roger.
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Usually I write very little about my personal life. When you write something it's as if cutting with a knife a feather pillow in the middle of the street on a windy day, but the last few weeks have been so painful for me , that I thought I better let it out ,and all of you six dear readers of mine can get a glimps into my inner world. This time it's for real .

So there I am with Roger, who I met in this site, and my strange and somewhat crazy behaviour scared him off.
What happened was , that I really did not expect anything to happen ,and indeed after a few arguments over my sending my photos , Roger didn't write back , and I was certain he is one of those men on the prowl , who usually take no interest in me , being a very private woman . Roger wanted me to send him  photos of myself ,and I thought he was on his way to becoming a dirty old man , who checks out women as if they were goods on E-bay ,and than does his best to conqure them ,and then dumps them. I wansn't very far.
I was curious about him because he was a media man , and because he came originally from Norway. Norway seem to me like this land where elves and hobits live in eternal bliss while sometimes sailing the Fjords. I'm sure , that just like here in Israel , there are nasty people over there. people don't drive carefully like sometimes poeple do  here, and sometimes you can buy a bag of flour , and when you want to bake some bread it turns out , it has warms in it.Still , when you don't travel much , certain places seem mystirous and enchanted to you,and Norway has been such a place  for me of many many years.Still is .

The problem is that it is a well known here in Israel that in real life Norway is a country that supports terror indirectly by giving money to Arabs and turning  a very blind eye about what they actually do with it . It is one of the most antisemitic countries in the world , where you cannot find a good kosher steak restaurant ,and circumsition is treated as crime againts the helpless.  We all remember how bravely  the Norwigens fought against the Nazis...ahha , oops , they actually had a Nazi leader,and couldn't care less about their Jews...So Norway is not in my list of travel for next summer ,or any summer.Well , if to be completely open , I don't have a list of travel. I travel mostly to Rami Levi , five minutes away from here on my bycicle.

But Roger was both Jewish and Norwegian ,and that made him most interesting .
Well , if you can judge a mentality over one person, I would say Norwegian-Jewish  people are not hospitable , they are very very cold inside ,and their greatest punishment  , is their own  personality . I'm a little like that myself. A little.

I would spare you the rest of the details , they are really not that interesting .Roger was interested in one thing ,and basically got what he wanted.  I never got to explain to Roger , that once I actually get close to a man , it takes me a long long time , to be able to be with another one . Three years in avarage. I feel I was obsessive and desperate due to a long long time of  hardship in my personal life . Roger on his part kept business as usual ,and if it wasn't for my nagging for a few weeks , he wouldn't have given the matter another thought . As I am writing this I feel my body misses that of Roger's. And this is the most exposing entry I have ever written. Let it be. Sometimes one must surrender to reality . Simply put Roger dumped me ,and I understand him.
The good news is that this is the first time in many many years I have actually done something that is very much against my upbringing ,and felt ok about it.

I still hope that if I ever find myself with a man again , it will last for longer than just one time thing.  I feel very much lost and confused eversince. As if starting to sing a song ,and stopping abruptly on the first line. No crescendo , no alegre or triste or even  requiem...just a line beggining and stopping abruptly.



I have other things to worry about these days . Sombre ones. A young man in my family is in critical condition in the hospital. My heart and my prayers go out to him.
I am a lost soul in retirment ,sending my bottle across the murky waters of the internet for you to read.

Thank you for being there and reading.

My daughter is starting school

I'm not ready yet. No , really , she has no school bag . We still live in that big old house with my mother ,and I still feel homeless and miserable .

But she is starting school on Friday , and so here is a special song with translation underneeth , It's a song that means a lot when you are Israeli , because school year always marks the beggining of autom ,and that the holidays are coming soon.

There is a special flower ,that shows up every year before the rains begin . It is called Chatzav ,and so I am translating here a part of this special song , sung by Yonnie Rechter , written by the late Elli Mohar ,and there it is for you . If you are ex-Israeli I bet it will bring tear to your eyes.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlFvQ697Y6Q

As long as…

A boy walks on the street

On a fair morning of the month of Tishrey

off to school again the children go. 

A man is walking behind him,

Watching over ,is seen, unseen

And only afterwards he is standing  there to watch ,
How another year is beggining 

Like every year in the autumn ,

How a kid is walking on his own , with his dad following.

A man is watching  secretly

How his son is entering  the class,

A man is standing there like a kid left outside

And they are already singing inside a song of a new year

How everything here starts again  .

They sing again about the rain

They sing again about the autom

And on the board show up the written letters.

(Aleph , Beit, Gimmel…..)

A man in the middle of the morning

A man in the heart of his life

Near a fence of a school , is standing there alone

And he remembers that his father once followed him.

He tries to hear the sound of his steps

But the children are still singing about the first rain and the first flower of the autom

And so now the leaps of the man are whispering along;

"even if I walk in the valey of shadow of  death I shall not fear. Even if  I suddenly fall , my heart will still be singing…"

As long...
as long as the morning comes,
as long is the blackboard is written on
as long as a son walks a long and a father behind him
as long as the children sing about a new year
as long as everything here starts from the begginning.
as long as the sea rises 
as long as the wind blows 
as long as on the blackness of the blackboard , a word is displayed.

Where You Are